What to do in Portland, Jamaica- Port Antonio

Things to do in Portland, Jamaica

I have read over my previous blog entries and notice that there is a theme…I am a pitiful, yet angry bitch. So, I decided to take a break from my pity/anger fueled tirades. I am going to try to present my own little traveler’s guide to where I have been staying, because everything I have read, including Lonely Planet, is just not up to speed…it is like they are on Jamaica time and have decided to wait a few years to actually update anything. So, since I am uber-anal about things being clear and updated, I have just decided to take it into my own hands and present to you the FIRST installment, my faithful readers, of my own up-to-date things-to-see-and-do in Portland, Jamaica!

Port Antonio: This is a decent sized town, the only one like it, in Portland. I probably go to Port Antonio 3-5 times a week. If I need money, this is the only place that I have found in the whole damn area that actually has ATMs and cambios. This makes it a challenge for the days I have no money and need money to actually get into town. A bit of a conundrum, right? Kind of like the chicken and the egg problem…I need money, can only get it from Port Antonio, can’t get it from there because I can’t get afford to get there. Yeah, sometimes this really sucks, and I have to start begging some of the staff at Great Huts for 80 JMD. Oh, wait, I said I was going to refrain from complaining, right? OK…so back to Port Antonio. Wait, let me finish my gripe with the ATMs. So, I have Citibank, a pretty internationally recognized bank. Only one of the ATMs in Port Antonio seem to want to acknowledge my bank card. So once I actually get into town, I have to find a specific bank in order to get money. OK, I’m done discussing my issues with lack of ATMs and ones that actually work with my card now.

Port Antonio…settled by some Spanish dudes a few hundred years ago. They left for whatever reason and some other dudes from some other countries came and settled here. Portie, as locals and lazy people alike like to call it, is supposedly the birthplace of tourism in Jamaica. One of the first hotels was here (and has since been burned down, unfortunately). But what Portie is best known for is Errol Flynn’s obsession with the place. There are stories galore about how this man came here and made this place his stomping grounds. He seemed to be a big ho. They credit this ho with coming up with rafting down the Rio Grande (more on that later) because he decided a good date for his multiple women was to take them on a long, secluded river by moonlight so no one could see him being sketchy. By the way, he was married and his widow is some spinster chilling still in Jamaica. He obviously ruined her with his ho-bag ways and she can’t seem to move on from the traumatic shit he put her through. Poor woman. Once again, I digress.

So, Errol Flynn managed to put this place on the map. The Marina is named after him. Let’s talk about this Marina. Port Antonio is not the neatest, cleanest city. Yes, it is quaint, it is even cute. But clean and spacious, no. There are homeless people on the street and mangy dogs surrounding them. The stores are crowded and the main market is squashed into a relatively small space. Space is limited, and when there is some, it is normally covered in some litter and dirt. However, upon entering Mr. Errol Flynn’s Marina, you enter a different world. I walked in with my friend, Ama, and we freaked out at first, thinking we had stumbled onto some resort by accident. We were just waiting to get kicked out. But we didn’t get stopped at the entrance, which did have a person sitting there, manning it. The place was meticulously clean. The grass was well kept and lush, the trees and flowers showing the same amount of care and love. The buildings were freshly painted and had that tropical, yet not gaudy look. There was an awesome little gift shop called “Things Jamaican.” The store was cool and clean and had beautiful trinkets, gift cards, candles, shirts, and other numerous “things Jamaican.” After spending time (which I have a lot of here) and money (which I have none of here) at the store, Ama and I went to another building at the end of a pier. This pier is where the few cruise ships that come to Port Antonio stop. The building at the end of this pier houses Norma’s Restaurant. A well-dressed host comes to greet you immediately, guiding you to either a table or to the bar, depending on your preference. There is a small, yet beautiful beach (warning: Do Not Get in the Water! Supposedly the E-Coli count is off the hook here. Pretty and blue does not necessarily equal safe and harmless). The bathrooms are tidy and clean. The drinks and food are expensive, naturally, because all the tourists that do end up coming into Port Antonio normally come through this area, so they jack up the prices. The food is good, though, and you can actually get a glass of wine here (which appears to be a harder thing than one would think in a place where everyone either drinks or smokes up). I would recommend the mozzarella and tomato salad (if they have it…when a cruise ship comes in, the bastards seem to eat all the damn cheese in the place) and the Teriyaki steak.

Beyond Norma’s, there aren’t many other restaurants I would suggest. Shadows, which guide books like to recommend, wasn’t so hot. They had no rice when I went there. Really? How does a “mid-range” restaurant in JAMAICA not have some rice? And why is it so hard to get Curry Chicken ANYWHERE? There is stewed chicken, there is jerk chicken, there is curry goat…but no curry chicken. Another restaurant, which is a little outside of Portie, is Anna Banana’s. Anna Banana’s is a cute little restaurant on the water that doesn’t seem to like to serve a variety of food (they only had oxtail and fried chicken) or drinks (they had no wine and one Ting, which is a REALLY POPULAR grapefruit soft drink here…there should be NO EXCUSE for a restaurant to not have this). My suggestion is, avoid the trip to this place. Not worth it.

There are a couple of Chinese Restaurants, one of which I have tried. I can’t remember the name right now, but it is not on the main road. I will figure out the name later and edit this accordingly. This restaurant was actually pretty decent, although my stomach disagreed with this sentiment a few hours after I ate their chicken fried rice. Didn’t stop me for going back another time, though . It is cute and the walls are painted different colors, giving it a bit of a spastic, yet colorful look. This restaurant has the coolest chairs, though, which are made out of big ole barrels. If I could steal one, I would have, but the fact that it weighed about a ton would have made that a bit of a difficult task.

Then there is a place called Nix Nax on the main road. This place is decent because it might be the only place you can get a ham and cheese sandwich. They also have fries and burgers, along with beef and veggie patties. Speaking of patties, the best place to get a beef patty in town is a place called Juici Beef. This is also not on the main road, but on a side road of town. Just ask someone on the street where Juici Beef is and they will guide you to the right place. You can get a tasty beef, vegi, or chicken patty for 60 JMD. Tasty, filling and cheap…that’s how I like my food!

You can get fresh fruits and vegetables at the market. Since eating healthy is not my thing, I will just guide you there and you can figure out the rest. The market, however, also offers other things…toward the back of the market, you will find all the souvenirs. In the middle, you will find a gazillion stalls that all seem to sell slightly used shoes, which I find a bit odd, but hey, to each his own. In the front, you can find some kick-ass leather sandals. I bought a pair for 1000 JMD (about $14 US) that I simply ADORE! They are cute and say Jamaica on them. And they also say that I wear a size 7, which is a total lie, but it is nice to think my feet are not the boats they actually are. You can also find a lot of randomness in the market, but the aforementioned items seem to be the most common things.

For partying at night, there seem to be two main clubs. La Best is one and the other is the Roof Top Club. I haven’t been to La Best, but I have been to the Roof Top Club. By the way, Roof Top doesn’t mean it is on a roof. Nope, it just means, club on the second floor of a building. Was a little disappointed by that. It was ok, nothing to write home about. I think we were there a little early. I am still used to D.C. time, which means clubs close at 2 AM, not get started then, like they do here. For those of you who are more adventurous, there is a place called Godzilla in town as well. A few of us went to Godzilla, thinking it was a club. Well, technically, it is a club. Just a club with naked women sliding down poles and collecting dollars in their boobies. I was especially impressed by a woman who was hanging upside down on the pole just by her THIGHS! I had to give her 100 JMD for that (yeah, just a little over a US dollar, but 100 JMDs sounds so much better, doesn’t it?).

Well, that seems to be Port Antonio in a nutshell. I am going to go ahead and publish this, but I will probably be back to edit a few things (like actually give you street names and all that…I mean, I can’t just make a half-ass guide…some of y’all might really come out here and use this). Guides to other places in Portland are coming soon!